Have you ever found yourself replaying a conversation, wondering whether you said the wrong thing? Perhaps you’ve made a mistake at work, struggled to meet your own expectations, or found yourself comparing what you’ve achieved with what others seem to be doing.
You might notice how easily you offer kindness, patience and understanding to those around you, yet find it much harder to offer that same care to yourself.
Does this sound familiar?
Many of us experience moments when our thoughts become critical, leaving us questioning whether we’re good enough or doing enough.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why am I so hard on myself?”, it might be helpful to explore something we call our inner critic.
Getting to know our inner critic
Our inner critic is the voice within us that judges, questions and sometimes criticises how we think, feel or behave.
It may sound something like:
- “I should have done better.”
- “Why can’t I get things right?”
- “I’m letting everyone down.”
- “Other people seem to cope better than me.”
- “I’m just not good enough.”
These thoughts can become so familiar that we don’t always recognise how much they influence our emotional wellbeing and sense of self.
Our tricky brains can develop patterns of thinking and responding that feel familiar, even when they’re no longer helpful to us.
Rather than seeing our inner critic as something we need to fight against, what might happen if we began to understand it with curiosity and compassion?
Why do we become so hard on ourselves?
There isn’t one simple explanation for why we develop a critical inner voice.
Our early experiences, relationships and the messages we receive as we grow up can all influence how we come to see ourselves.
Perhaps you grew up feeling that you needed to achieve certain things to be valued. You may have experienced criticism, rejection or difficult relationships that affected your confidence and self-worth.
Sometimes, we develop a strong sense of responsibility for other people’s feelings and needs, while becoming less aware of our own.
These experiences can influence the way we respond to ourselves as adults.
Our brains are also naturally designed to notice potential threats. This is an important part of keeping us safe, but our threat system can sometimes become activated in situations where we feel judged, uncertain or afraid of getting something wrong.
We may find ourselves worrying about what others think, anticipating problems or becoming increasingly critical of ourselves.
Understanding these responses can help us recognise that our thoughts and emotional reactions are not personal failings. They are often connected to the ways we’ve learnt to navigate our experiences.
When our inner critic keeps us stuck in ‘doing mode’
How often do you give yourself permission to pause?
Many of us spend our days moving from one responsibility to another, trying to meet expectations, care for others and keep up with everything life asks of us.
We can become so caught up in doing mode that we lose touch with how we’re actually feeling.
Our inner critic may tell us that we should be doing more, achieving more or making better use of our time. Even when we stop, we might find it difficult to relax because our thoughts are already focused on the next thing that needs doing.
When our emotional systems are activated by stress, anxiety or difficult life experiences, it can become harder to connect with the activities and relationships that would usually nourish us.
I wonder what it might feel like to offer yourself a gentle pause, without feeling that you need to earn it first?
Understanding our emotional systems
Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), developed by Professor Paul Gilbert, offers a helpful way of understanding why we sometimes struggle with self-criticism.
Within CFT, we explore three interacting emotional regulation systems.
Threat system: Our threat system helps us recognise and respond to danger. It can become activated when we experience criticism, rejection, uncertainty or fear.
Drive system: Our drive system motivates us to achieve goals, seek opportunities and work towards the things that matter to us.
Soothing system: Our soothing system supports feelings of safeness, calmness, connection and contentment.
All three systems have an important role in our lives.
However, when our threat and drive systems become particularly active, we may find it difficult to access feelings of calmness and reassurance.
Our inner critic can become louder, encouraging us to keep striving, worrying or questioning ourselves.
Through compassion and mindfulness practices, we can begin to recognise when our emotional systems are out of balance and explore ways of supporting ourselves with greater care.
This isn’t about getting rid of difficult emotions. It’s about developing awareness and understanding so we can respond to our experiences with more ease.
What would it feel like to offer yourself compassion?
Self-compassion can sometimes be misunderstood as being too soft on ourselves or allowing ourselves to avoid responsibility. But compassion isn’t about ignoring difficulties or pretending that everything is OK.
It’s about recognising when we’re struggling and learning how to respond with kindness, courage and understanding.
If someone you cared about was having a difficult day, you might offer them reassurance, listen to their worries or encourage them to take some time for themselves. Yet when we experience those same difficulties, our inner critic may tell us to try harder or simply get on with things.
What might change if we began to offer ourselves the same compassionate understanding?
We don’t need to force ourselves to feel positive or silence every uncomfortable thought.
Sometimes, a gentle acknowledgement that we’re finding something difficult can be a meaningful place to begin.
Finding small moments to nourish ourselves
Developing a compassionate relationship with ourselves doesn’t have to involve making big changes.
It may begin with noticing when we’re becoming overwhelmed and giving ourselves permission to pause.
For me, spending time in nature is one of the ways I nourish myself and attend to my own wellbeing. It offers an opportunity to reconnect with my senses and enjoy some time away from the pressures of everyday life.
For others, it might be listening to music, enjoying a quiet moment, practising mindfulness, connecting with someone they care about or rediscovering something playful.
These small moments can help us step away from constant doing and reconnect with the present.
You might like to gently consider:
- When do I notice my inner critic becoming louder?
- What happens in my body when I’m feeling overwhelmed?
- What helps me experience a sense of calmness or connection?
- When did I last do something simply because I enjoyed it?
- How might I offer myself a little more care today?
There are no right or wrong answers.
The intention is simply to become more curious about your own needs and the things that support your wellbeing.
And if these activities feel difficult to enjoy at the moment, that is something we can approach with compassion, too.
How can counselling help with self-criticism?
Sometimes, the beliefs we hold about ourselves have developed over many years and can feel deeply rooted. We may recognise that we’re being hard on ourselves but still struggle to understand why, or how to respond differently.
Therapy can offer a supportive, compassionate space to explore these experiences without judgement.
As an Integrative Psychotherapist, I work in a pluralistic way, recognising that we are all unique and that different therapeutic approaches can support our individual needs.
Drawing on compassion and mindfulness, we can work together to understand patterns of thinking and behaviour, and explore how your experiences may have shaped the relationship you have with yourself.
There is no expectation to have all the answers or to change everything at once. Developing a more compassionate inner voice takes time, particularly when self-criticism has been part of your life for many years.
Perhaps the next time you notice your inner critic, you might take a gentle pause and ask yourself:
“What might I need in this moment, and how can I offer myself a little more compassion?”
If you would like support in understanding your inner critic and developing a more compassionate relationship with yourself, I welcome you to get in touch.
You can learn more about my Compassion and Mindfulness Approach, or get in touch to explore how we might work together.
